The Internet. Not a series of tubes as one may want us to believe. Nor is it one of five other pieces that come together like Voltron to form ‘The Internets’.

Now that we’ve established what The Internet is NOT, let me pull back the veil and reveal the simple truth. The Internet is a complex network of technology designed with the sole purpose to occupy precious minutes, hours, even days of our lives while its alien creators slip into positions of power unnoticed. duh.

But even knowing this, I can’t help but become drawn in by the siren song of The Internet. As The Internet slowly takes over I feel a sadness knowing I can’t recall what a sunset looks like, but the feeling is fleeting as my attention soon shifts to a video of the worlds tallest midget. Sometimes I sit with my friends (in a chat room of course) and recall the good ‘ol days. “Remember the outdoors?” I type to them. To which they reply, “n00b! ROFLMAO!”

Three hours of searching, but I’ve finally found a free download of “You’re the Best” from the Karate Kid soundtrack by Joe Esposito. On The Internet I can indulge these whims without giving my brain time to say,

“On second thought, I should do something productive.”

Despite The Internet’s grand design to enslave all mankind under Overlord Golkron’s throne, The Internet has its positives. Where else could you sell a human liver and a brass mold of your baby shoes without having to endure the awkward stares at your local swap-meet?

Anyone who has played several videogames based on movies can give you at least one Con: videogames based on movies suck. Anyone who has played a game based on a movie loosely based on a game would tell you the same if they were still among the living. Damn you “Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game”!

Very rarely can developers create rich gameplay and interactivity from film which contrives each moment of the viewer’s experience to elicit specific emotional responses. Also it doesn’t help that most offenders of these movie-to-game abominations are immense douchebags. What often results from the unholy union of these sibling medias in the Entertainment family? You get unbearable offspring like “Catwoman”, “Fight Club”, and “Bad Boys” with abscessed teeth and webbed feet.

While I could list the movie-to-game failures all day long (“Dukes of Hazard”, “Bebe’s Kids”, etc.), I’d rather move to the Pros before I open a vein.

Rarely, when the planets have aligned and the blood of a virgin has been spilled before the altar of Golkron the Penetrator, we can rejoice with the coming of a good movie game. Games like “GoldenEye”, “Rogue Squadron II”, and “The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay” show us there are still Pros to the movie game genre and it should not be outlawed yet.

Tuesday I attended the city courthouse to serve my mandatory Jury Duty and wouldn’t you know it, I was chosen. The case was fairly simple; a man had been accused of being “drunk in public”. Why this even went to trial in the first place is beyond me.

The first step before the trial, involving me, was the jury selection. I was amazed to find later that this selection process took considerably longer than the trial did in its entirety. The trial itself consisted of short opening statements by both sides, the police officer testimony (which provided very little evidence, but I’ll expand more on that later), and the closing arguments.

When the jury retired to deliberate, it was the first time we sat and really faced each other. This jury was definitely a cross section of different members of our society. In total we spent close to six hours deliberating over the course of two days. Here is what I found…

Some people don’t have the ability to separate personal opinion, bias, emotion, etc. from the deliberation process. Even with the stipulations that we may only go by the facts presented by evidence and be completely objective, it was as if those instructions went in one ear and out the other. When this was brought up to these few people, they immediately became defensive and used more irrelevant rationale to back up their claims.

I understand objectivity is an impossibility. Man does not possess the ability to set aside all past life experience, teachings, and beliefs to view things through an objective lens of absolute truth. However, I think I did a damn good job of coming close. In the real world, I would’ve used life experience, etc to label this defendant guilty so fast his mullet would spin. In our society however, you are innocent until proven guilty. The burden of proof lays solely upon the prosecution to use facts to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, the defendant is guilty of the accusations against him. Given the extremely limited number of facts and great number of possibilities leading to non guilt scenarios, I had to vote not guilty. These people who had based their decision of guilt from snap judgments and assumption looked at me like I had two heads when I explained this. Seven people sided with not guilty based from objectivity; while the other five sided with guilt using compelling arguments like, “you guys should watch more cops” and “look at the guy… he’s guilty!”

When we were all walking out of the courthouse I felt the system failed. We had been a perfect example of how the most simple things can go terribly wrong using this system. But on my trolley ride home I began to wonder, “What if the seven like minded jurors including myself were not there, but seven more biased people were to take our places?” A man would’ve been convicted of a crime he was possibly innocent of. I also thought, “What if only one person had the ability to try and convict someone? Who would be able to put them in check?”

With all these questions I came to a conclusion. Giving twelve people equal power to decide someone’s fate gives the ability for one person in the right to negate eleven people in the wrong. At least with a mistrial the defendant is safe until (and if) they are tried again.

I’m here with a special message for you today. I have compiled a short list of CD’s that have recently been released which require your immediate attention.

Autolux – Future Perfect

Who are they?
Autolux is a trio of musicians from larger (and now defunct) bands. Most notable is Greg Edwards, former member of the critically acclaimed Failure. This is the band’s first full length release.
What do they sound like?
L7, Sonic Youth, and other early nineties indie rock icons.
Why should I care?
This is the best indie rock you’ve heard since the early nineties. This album will make you want to rummage through your CD’s and listen to your old indie albums. If you are not familiar with the style, this is the perfect introduction.

Millencolin – Kingwood

Who are they?
Millencolin is the best punk band to ever come out of Scandinavia, and one of the best modern punk bands period.
What do they sound like?
The epitome of the modern punk revival; Millencolin is fast rock with outstanding melody, great use of harmony, and lyrics with more meaning than the current pop punk infestation.
Why should I care?
This album is a cross between their two best albums; the fast punk style of Pennybridge Pioneers and the steady hard rock of Home from Home. This album is a great example of what punk should be, not the whiny bubble gum pop coming out of the mouths of guys with a lot of tattoos on MTV.

Nine Inch Nails – With Teeth

Who are they?
Nine Inch Nails first appeared with the release of Pretty Hate Machine in 1989. Since their debut, NIN has been the largest industrial rock band on the face of the planet. With a revolving door of band members, Trent Reznor is the sole member of NIN.
What do they sound like?
Go out and immediately acquire Pretty Hate Machine and The Downward Spiral.
Why should I care?
With Teeth is a throwback to NIN’s first, and best release, Pretty Hate Machine. Being more sleek and stripped down than Reznor’s most recent efforts, With Teeth comes across more organic and easier to enjoy. The lyrics are genuine and the singing is more emotive and less wooden than NIN’s last double CD release, The Fragile.

That’s your homework for now. I’ll have a few more from you later.

-G

Every radio station has their “80′s flashback weekend!” and this music would fit right in. It’s getting harder and harder to tell who is new and what is over a decade old. Music goes through cycles, but there should be noticeable forward movement with each new generation. What is going to happen next? Am I going to flip on the radio and hear a rehash of “Golden Oldies” on my “cutting edge” stations? I could always just turn off my radio altogether, but the music still finds you. Like a bad stench you can’t get away from, it lingers. It permeates all popular media you view. Whether you’re at the grocery, shopping mall, or other public retail location; you will be infected by these songs through osmosis. There is no escape from the cacophonous turd that is popular music. If this is where music is headed, then it is going to be a dark place; because the face of music will be up its ass!

I had heard of this game’s existence several times and felt no need to rush out and add it to my collection, but then I thought of Viewtiful Joe. VJ was a game I loved passionately and still do, but no one else seemed have heard about it or gave it due credit. “Could this be another masterpiece of video game art?” I thought. With the game’s low price of $20 it didn’t hurt to find out.

IT IS! Katamari Damacy is the story of a young prince (green with “T” shaped head and only a few centimeters tall) charged with the task of helping the “King of all Cosmos” replace the absent stars in the sky. This is done by rolling a ball (Katamari) over items until the ball has amassed the desired size of the king. The king then releases your katamari into the sky to create a star.

The brilliance of the title lies in the simplicity of its controls and the scope of the game. Rolling the katamari requires maneuvering the analog sticks… that’s it. No button mashing or memorizing controls, just point the sticks in the direction you want to roll and it shall be done.

The scope of the game is so vast, it really is impressive. You must build up your katamari by rolling over items, but your ball must be a certain size before you can roll over larger objects. For example, you would start rolling over small things like thumb tack, dice, and pencils until you’ve reached a certain size. Then you work your way up to pots, cabbages, toilet paper, etc. It goes on and on. In one level, I began picking up cans of ham and bananas and 20 minutes later I was rolling up whole buildings and mountains.

The sound track also fits with the game perfectly. Anyone who has ever played Jet Set Radio on Dreamcast or Xbox will immediately notice the similar feel of majority of the songs. Every track has the Japanese aesthetic. From the “blip bleep” electronic instruments to the easy listening love songs with lyrics like, “I wanna roll you up into my life…”. Almost as addicting as the game play, the game’s main theme song will have you singing, “Nah nah nah nah…” all day.

Check out some screenshots and videos of the game in action here.

Katamari Damacy is one of the most original games ever created. If you are not one to buy games that don’t have a 3 trillion dollar budget or ad campaign that canvases the globe; expand your gaming horizons and take a chance with this game, you won’t be sorry. With the quirky characters, addicting game play, and intuitive controls, this game is a must have for any PS2 owner; and for only $20 it is definitely a bargain.

Each time I bite into one of these nuggets of magic I’m filled with a sense of joy, like the joy I receive from witnessing a telemarketer being punched in the throat. The aftertaste of this confection is as if I opened my mouth and a rainbow beamed in. If I were to nominate a food for the “Best Food on Earth” award (assuming Pizza, Spaghetti, and Burritos were disqualified due to steroid use), I would place PB&Pretzels right behind my nomination for Frunkleghettizza, the best food known to the human race developed and unleashed in the year 2035.

If you were a fan of the previous installments of the series then you are human; however, if you can summarize the entire plot of the series in under five hours, then you are no mere mortal. Hideo Kojima and company have managed to somehow create another story line in the MGS universe even more convoluted than its predecessor; Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater.

I tried to follow along.. oh how I tried, but Kojima’s boat of continuity was just a shadow on the horizon as I was left to drown in the sea of confusion. Just when I thought I had a grasp on the story, it seemed that Snake Eater would say, “Um… I don’t think so.”

For the twenty or so hours I spent playing MGS:SE, it was a lot of the same: hiding in tall grass, hiding in short grass, hiding behind trees, hiding in trees. While this may seem like a dream come true if you are Ted Nugent, there was definitely something left to be desired.

The team behind MGS:SE did a great job with the addition of the food, first aid, and camouflage system; however, the same amount of attention should have been paid to the action. I’ll explain… the action consists of a lot of trial and error. One level in particular I spent 30 minutes trying numerous times to gain entry to a heavily guarded building. I would attempt a route, be detected, killed, and start again. Try another route, become a target, die, and try again… starting to get the picture?

Another issue is the balance. While the camouflage is a great innovation, I’d rather not spend every five minutes worrying about whether I should be wearing the “tree bark” or the “forest” camo. The pacing is also a problem, having to pause the game and enter the “camouflage” menu every time you need to change your outfit really takes away from the tension of the stealth action. This same type of issue is apparent with the first aid feature as well. I found during the boss battles I would have to pause the game to go to the “cure” menu and administer first aid nearly every other time a boss successfully attacked.

In closing, Snake Eater is definitely the best looking title in the MGS series (and maybe the PS2). Is it the better than the MGS first released on the PSOne or rereleased on the Gamecube? Probably not. Will you buy it because it is the latest Metal Gear Solid title? Probably.

When I arrived home I ran to my phone and called my bank to report my lost card. I am relieved to say, the representative I spoke to was more than nice and eased my immediate concerns. I successfully cancelled my card and had a new one mailed to me. I was informed I will receive it in seven to ten business days, but we all know what that means. I should have a new card by the end of January.

In the meantime I will be hobbling around without my red crutch; using the archaic method of paying for things with green paper known as cash. This will also put a stop to most of my online purchases for the time being… but I guess that would be a good thing.

My first step to getting my long rock & roll hair was to do nothing. I said to my hair, “Hey, you do your thing and I’ll do mine.. we just need a little break from each other for a while.” My hair understood completely. After almost two months of cropping negligence it was starting to get a little shaggy. By shaggy I mean, I was starting to get a mullet. Seeing my goal was to have rock hair and not “rock the mullet” hair, I needed to get a trim.

Here is where my series of larger mistakes began…

Deciding that I would go get it trimmed, I drove down to Supercuts. This was mistake number one. After arriving, I placed my name on the list and began reading a Newsweek magazine. It had a good article about the end of the war in Iraq and the coming election between Bush and Clinton in ’92. Needless to say, their periodicals were a little outdated. When I was done thumbing through the magazine, a friendly looking woman walked up to the Supercuts podium of authority and called out my name. When I realized that she was talking to me, because there was no other Garry’s there let alone I was the only person waiting, I responded. She asked if I could wait just a few more minutes while she cleaned up a little. “No” I thought to myself, but replied with, “Okay.” That was mistake number two. You’re about to find out why.

I was patiently waiting for the nice lady to finish mopping up the globs of hair off the floor; however, I was screaming for her to speed it up inside my head. The reason was not only because of my growing frustration with having to listen to the country station they were piping through the sound system, but also my fear of getting the guy who was just about to finish with his customer.

This older fellow was a very short man, built like a bulldog. A balding bulldog with tons of old green arm tattoos. I don’t have anything against tattoos or men who look like this, but it was akin to the sesame street game “one of these things is not like the other.” I am sure you’ve been to Supercuts, admit it! You know the type of people who work there and this just didn’t fit. Sure enough, he finishes with his customer and walks over to the same Supercuts podium of authority and calls out, “Garry, ready for your haircut?” Stupid me.. I replied, “Sure.” That was mistake number three. What I should have done was turned and ran out the door.

He sat me down in the chair and I began to describe how I didn’t want him to touch the top at all. Just trim the sides and the back so it’s all even. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Okay” while shrugging his shoulders. “A lot of people have requested this haircut lately,” he said. Apparently there are a lot of people who wanted their hair butchered too. When he cut the sides everything looked okay. I wasn’t too worried anymore. When he was done he handed me a small mirror to inspect my haircut. Looking through that hand mirror is pointless as it shows how the back of your head looks if you were standing fifteen feet behind yourself. Not being able to gauge the total quality of his work without a wide angle 10x zoom camera lens I said, “Looks good to me.” That was the final mistake.

When I got home I walked into the bathroom to take a shower and get those hundreds of loose hairs off my neck and shoulders (That flogging they give your neck with their little towel never works). When I checked out the back of my head in front of my own mirror I recoiled in shock. I noticed the bastard had cut two inches too high, effectively making my rock & roll hair look like a bowl cut! I was devastated. My visions of Kurt Cobain like hair had changed to something from the early days of The Beatles.

I’m wearing hats a lot now. I wear beanies every now and then, but it makes me look like Michael Nesmith from The Monkees.

Soon I plan on ending this humiliation by bending over a trash can and enlisting Hoser to take all the hair on my head down to a buzz. I think I may stick with my usual short hair for another eight years.

-Garry